To explain how someone experiences being part of a community like Neworder and The Box Network as a whole is incredibly hard to do, and as with so many things I believe it is something that one can only fully comprehend by experiencing it. I have experienced it over the last seven years. I have loved and hated Computer Security. Loved it, for the obvious reasons, known to all of you. Hated it, for it being such a time consuming and obsessive pastime, hobby and sometimes even way of life. It is this moment when a hobby or interest turns into a way of life, when you can only fully experience it and truly feel its power and love. (The parallel with women is scarily obvious)
However, throughout the years it really has become a way of life to me and though that brought me an immeasurable amount of fun, laughter, knowledge and even friends, it has also, slowly and almost unnoticeably taken things from my life. I used to have time to write, one of my great passions, now all I write is new text on my website or sms posts or articles about computers or basically a zillion posts and replies to posts on the message boards. (And I’m not even really that good at it;-)) I used to love to read and would finish multiple books per week. Now all I read is computer books, C++ programming books, security news, posts, posts and even more posts. I’m not a tech person. I never really have been. I wandered into your world and found a home. I found an immense thrill, a desire to know and understand things. I found knowledge and friendship, but, as I see now and have always known but long time denied, this is not my world. My place is somewhere else. And I desire to return there.
when I come home from uni or work the first thing I do is check websites for news and posts and articles. I talk to online friends and in this manner day by day passes. I understand that for so many of you this is your life, like it has been for me for so many years now. And there is nothing wrong with that as long as you feel happy with it. It's what we do! However, and yes I myself find it hard to believe as well, days have existed before the first time that I heard the sound of a modem dialling in. And I used to spend my days with different things back then, when computer security and box and neworder were words unknown to me. And I miss those things. I miss the things that - used to - make up my day. And I am tired. Tired in the literal sense, meaning that endless nights behind the screen, only to snap out of it at 06.00 hours to see the sun come up, have worn me out the last couple of years. And tired, figurely speaking, of seeing the same problems over and over and over again. Governments and institutions misunderstanding the medium and its power, misunderstanding its real and true users that are the breath in its lungs. Misunderstanding of the medium, that, as Marshall McLuhan put it (so much better then I ever could) renders the restraining policies quite futile. And yes I am tired of useless arguments, futes between different people I have come to know and respect. And I am tired of people leaving.
But do not get me wrong, my decision is based mostly on the developments and sentiments of my real, daily life. Based on who I am, or rather, who I used to be. And I have chosen to be that person again, fully, without Computer Security as a barrier (however much loved) between me today and me whom I once was and yet again desire to be. I guess I'm in that that moment in your mid twenties when you are wondering whether you are going ANYWHERE. As Adam Duritz said it with so much brilliance:
"It's just weird - you don't really conceive of things in your life as being lost forever. It always seems like you can go back and get anything, and you can't..."
And thus, dear friends I chose to walk a different path.
I hope all of you and many after you will continue to not just be satisfied with knowledge from the faucet, but will stay on your Quest to drink straight from the spring. In closing I would like to try and express thanks to all of you for being a part of my life for such a long period. I will name a few since I feel I owe them at least that much. First of all Cygnum (or CodeCrawler) for becoming a real life friend if it wasn't for the distance. Rattlesnake and Resolution for working their asses off and just plain being around. Of course Marek for giving me trust and opportunities and Elf and X and others (you know who you are) for forming a great and fun team to work in. Zwanderer and Nitrate2K for having that intellectual and philosophical air that we can never see enough of, JLP, The_MadMan... And my old friends from way back then, Callaghan, Drew and Bakey, the strangest trio ever, for making me feel at home when I first became truly active at neworder.
Some of you might see me lurking at Juice Box and Poetry Box, basically writing. And I'll stop by Neworder once in a while just to say hi and greet some old friends. My website will stay up but won't be updated as far as computer security is concerned, and I can always be reached by e-mail or any other way you may conjure up.
I truly and honestly thank you and I bid you farewell,
Goodbye Box Network, Goodbye Computer Security and Goodbye beloved Neworder,
Comments are welcome at Paris2K@box.sk